The Homeowners Column

The Homeowners Column

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Signs of a serious gardener

"There is a fine line between gardening and madness." Those who live with us maddening gardeners would most likely agree with that proclamation.

In order to weed out the serious gardeners from the sane hobbyists I started a list of the signs of the serious gardener.

During this time of do, do, do;

I thought my best gift to you;

Would be a chuckle or two. Enjoy.

You know you are a serious gardener when:

  • You can remember the date to plant the potatoes better than you can remember your own birthday.
  • You suffer from zone envy. No matter what winter hardiness zone you live in, you will insist on growing plants from the next warmest zone.
  • You're running out of places to garden, but under your fingernails looks promising.
  • You don't hesitate to book an extra moving van just to transport your plants.
  • You would rather share your toothbrush than your hand pruners.
  • You carry more photos of your garden on your phone than photos of the kids.
  • In the middle of winter you start cultivating the mold in the refrigerator just to see something grow.
  • With each road trip your car instinctively routes to every garden center and botanic garden along the way.
  • Instead of throwing out the sprouting potatoes in your vegetable bin, you plant them.
  • You know far too much about manure and you insist on sharing that information with friends and strangers during dinner parties.
  • You never have dinner before sunset during the summer.
  • You delight in the harvest of the first carrot. The $25 and 20 hours of work to produce it seems irrelevant.
  • You wonder if your weirdly shaped potatoes look more like Meryl Streep or Jodie Foster.
  • On laundry day it's common for you to find seeds in your pockets. Trouble is you often can't remember where the seeds came from; but of course you plant them anyway.
  • You quickly go from despair over a dead plant to delight over buying a new one.
  • Your neighbors don't recognize your face because that's usually not the end they see.
  • You hesitate when your spouse says there's not enough room in the house for both her/him and the houseplants.
  • A new chipper/shredder as a wedding anniversary gift is not considered immediate grounds for divorce.
  • Your houseguests are afraid to stay in the guest bedroom because the philodendron looks hungry.
  • In your will it states your final resting place will be a companion planting with your spouse in the garden.
  • You insist on saving all 225 tomato seedlings even though you only need 6.
  • Your hands retain furrows deep enough to plant bean seeds.
  • You have to kill a certain plant at least three times in three different places before it occurs to you that maybe you should quit trying.
  • You know exactly how to run the leaf shredder, but you haven't quite figured out how to access your voice mail.
  • Your idea of winter fun is sticking your hand in the compost pile to feel if it's hot.
  • While you are waiting in the doctor's office, you find yourself removing dead leaves from the houseplants.
  • Your criteria for a quality doctor include the health of the waiting room plants.
  • Your children have names like Hyacinth, Iris, Flora Bunda, Lon Moore, and Phil O'Dendron.

If the above signs apply to you, but it doesn't cause you to run screaming into traffic, then you know you are a seriously mad gardener. Happy Holly Days from your naturally garden crazy UI Extension horticulture team: Nicole Bridges; Jenney Hanrahan; Trent Hawker; Ava Heap; Diane Wilhite; and me, Sandy Mason.

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