Extension Connection

Extension Connection

Communication is Important for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

June 20, 2012

Photo of Cheri Burcham

Cheri Burcham
Extension Educator, Family Life
cburcham@illinois.edu

As a Family Life Educator, I am asked for information on all types of topics involving families. The families of today are much more varied than years ago – single-parent families, blended families, step-families, and more and more grandparents that are raising grandchildren. Nationally, there are 5.4 million children under the age of 18 being raised by their grandparents – almost 102,000 of them in Illinois alone. There are many reasons for this phenomenon, including alcohol and drug abuse, neglect and/or abuse, parental incarceration, divorce, death or illness of a parent, teen pregnancy and unemployment. The stress of caring for these children can be very overwhelming, especially if the grandparent is older and dealing with personal health problems and/or limited income.

There are many issues that grandparents report as stressful and difficult in grand "parenting". Nearly 90% of the them cited that education was the top concern they had, finding some school policies to be barriers for grandparents trying to advocate for their grandchildren. Helping the children with their homework, understanding generational differences and communicating with the parents (their adult children) and agency professionals were also areas they had difficulties in. Practicing effective communication skills would go a long way in easing several of these issues, and are really helpful in any situation. Here are some tips for speaking clearly and listening carefully:

  • Know what you want to say and then stop one you've said it. Don't continue to rehash your points and make the listener defensive and angry. Stick to the goal of your conversation and don't go on tangents or bring up old issues.
  • Pay attention to what the other person is saying and notice what they are feeling – this helps you to be empathetic. Trying to see things from the other person's perspective helps establish mutual respect.
  • Resist urges to attack with words or actions. This escalates emotions and makes the other person feel unsafe to talk openly and honestly. Get a glass of water, leave the room, or take deep breaths if you feel yourself losing control. Avoid using sarcasm and put-downs.
  • Use your "I" messages – communicate what you are thinking and feeling.
  • Be an active listener. Do not interrupt but maintain eye contact and give the person your full attention with no distractions. Let them know you are listening by changing expressions, nodding your head, asking clarifying questions and making brief comments.
  • Give constructive criticism – focus on the behavior and not on the person. Receive criticism with an open mind – strain out the emotion and stick with the facts.
  • Summarize in your own words what you think you heard from the speaker so that you understand them correctly.
  • Acknowledge what the other person has said, even if you don't agree with them. Let them know that you appreciate them talking with you and you know it was not easy.
  • Communication with family members or about family members can be emotional – be prepared for this ahead of time.

Practicing good communication skills can make a huge difference in the outcome of critical conversations any of us have, but particularly grandparents raising their grandchildren. University of Illinois Extension has a great website called "Parenting Again" at http://urbanext.illinois.edu/grandparents/ If grandparents go to this site and click on "newsletter archive" they will find lots of information designed to help those who are parenting the second time around. Topics like communication, discipline, nutrition, age-appropriate activities and helping a child in school are covered in the 31 issues of newsletters available to anyone raising a child.

For more information on this topic or other family life-related topics, contact Cheri Burcham at the University of Illinois Extension office at 801 N. Country Fair Drive in Champaign. She may also be reached by phone at 333-7672 or e-mail at cburcham@illinois.edu

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